I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
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#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
This came to me in a dream.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.