Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
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In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
i choose….tongue
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?