Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
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My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”