guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
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I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him