[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
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This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
mentally somewhere in italy
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My god she’s good.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman