@BackrowSeats: People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.
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@AmishPornStar1: "Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you're gonna need reservations." -Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
@plank_sinatra: What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy's house and he's really pissed
@weinerdog4life: Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I'm a mean cat
@illuminatedwndr: the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can't tell if he's stoned, or he knows that I am