@BackrowSeats: People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.
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@iamburtjarvis: me [sneezes]: excuse me. guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
@TheDairylandDon: Joker: You're endangering a minor Batman: He's my partner Joker: Why's he in his underwear? Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.
@EliHansenMusic: I'm at my most immature when girls misspell "cologne" and start talking about how bad a man's colon smells
@MartinPilgrim1: My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking