@BackrowSeats: People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.
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@revenge_tanukis: It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
@michaeljhudson: *dog runs for president* *is asked race sensitive question "The thing is, I don't see color" *crowd goes wild*
@SteveSuckington: I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court. I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt