@BackrowSeats: People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.
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@KenJennings: I subscribe to Groupon because it's good to know which nearby restaurants have mediocre food & will probably be out of business soon.
@iamspacegirl: In the middle of a GOP debate, Scooby and the gang suddenly rush the stage. They wrestle Trump to the ground, struggling to remove his face.
@JasonLastname: Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.