A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
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If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
But I really needed water water water
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”