I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
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If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Admin smashed it 😂
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
oh my gosh!!
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!