@sokangarude: People that say "we're not even white, we're pink" obviously haven't seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
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@kibblesmith: Nice try "Marco Rubio" — or should I say... [rearranges letters] "BIRAC UBOMA" [audience gasps]
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I'll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
@KentWGraham: When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: I got us this new candle ME: sweet. What flavor is it? W: don't you mean 'what scent is it?' ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?