I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
same vibe as tangled headphones
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I needed a laugh this morning.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
WWE is French for “yes”