People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
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Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
💯😂
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that