@ehdannyboy: People that start a sentence with "Now I'm not trying to be rude" are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [pirate ship capturing another ship] Pirate: Prepare to be bored! Other Captain: Don't you mean boarded? *pirate opens stamp collection*
@AdamSerwer: In Trump's America, undocumented workers get rounded up. Employers who hire undocumented workers get cabinet nominations.
@FrogAvalanche:  One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal. HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
@freypalm: Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now. *lawyers start discussing lawyer things* *I go outside and swing on the swingset*