People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
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A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
ok this is my dumbest yet
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in