People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
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Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.