Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
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CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
The first matador
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect