People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
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911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.