People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
You Might Also Like
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats