People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
You Might Also Like
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle