People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
You Might Also Like
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Meow
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Smooooooth
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
what does he know…