People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

@aka_fatman: [at the gym] Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro? Waldo: Please don't do that.

74

@5hael: I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

579

@pinupteacher: After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I've decided I need to up my break dancing game.

1

@: I'm in a weird place in life because I'm not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

1

@FeelingEuphoric: ME: I have an appointment for 1:30 RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name? ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

1

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets