@dumbbeezie: People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
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@iGreenMonk: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
@better_off_dad: CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.
@AndrewNadeau0: People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.