People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
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We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I gave up going to work for lent.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.