People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
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2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus