@fatherofcomedy: People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
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@delusionaliam: Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it'll eat for weeks!
@kelkulus: Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.
@ConanOBrien: According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
@jjhartinger: I went to the Gym and the power went out. I whispered, "thank you baby jesus" and left.