@fatherofcomedy: People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
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@Wakenbake77: If you find a fry on the floor and you don't share it with me, we can't be friends. Don't touch me. Monster.
@_Fariis: Pretty sure Google has this master plan of taking over the world by blackmailing everyone with their search history.
@GrowlyGrego: A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn't have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking...presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
@VaguelyFunnyDan: (confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does "Single Ladies" dance)