People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
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If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems