People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
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New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”