People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
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yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
first you must answer his riddles
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I gave up going to work for lent.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.