People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
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I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”