@DurtMcHurtt: People think I'm kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
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@truegritrumble: FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend? ME: She’s a real queen bee. FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure. *a faint buzzing from my pocket* ME: Dude, she’s right here.
@SondraDeeMe: [job interview] What experience do you have plucking chickens? Me: See all those hairs on my chin? No. Me: Exactly.
@psybermonkey: [Interrogation room] Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK Chair: OK OK...the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
@RidiculousSheri: The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.