People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
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Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Inside you there are two wolves
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Not my job 😂
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.