People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
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Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
The first one, obviously
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.