@M_Hedberg: People think stage diving is dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from being a pool.
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@emilymaej: I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I'd just be dead. Smart kid.
@PJTLynch: Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
@Carter_TCB: I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would've been a lot more interesting.
@DanMentos: My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa