@M_Hedberg: People think stage diving is dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from being a pool.
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@daemonic3: HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted HER: Oh thanks! What's in it? HIM: What do you mean, "in it"?
@Home_Halfway: Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there."
@dukelongboard: I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say "I got this" as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face
@BlindChow: "Daddy, there's a mime under the bed!" That's ridiculous, why would you think that? "Listen!" *complete silence* OH DEAR GOD RUN