@M_Hedberg: People think stage diving is dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from being a pool.
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@WGladstone: When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God's pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.
@DanMentos: "Ed's Plumbing" Hi I think an engagement ring is stuck in my toilet "ok when did your lady drop-" She didn't "Sir?" I hid it in her dessert
@shadygeekdad: When I know I've posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I'm Jason Statham walking from an explosion.