My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
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Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
May your day taste like creamy soup.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
this could fix me
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Matt Goss
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”