@M_Hedberg: People think stage diving is dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from being a pool.
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@GuyConfused: The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
@LizHackett: [gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper] There you go, little buddy. You're free now.
@Jandalize: Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That's about right.
@Shock_Monster: Nurse: It's just a little prick.. Me: That's what my gf said! N: Ha M: Haha N: HAHA M: HAHAHA! N: You don't have a gf, do you? M: No.