People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular