People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
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me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?