(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.