In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
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Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”