People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
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i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year