@juliussharpe: People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. "Guys, I've been gone three years and this is cumin."
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@Aspersioncast: Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
@SocialustGal13: There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
@philco816: Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.
@DirtMcTurd: When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper "yes, please don't stop" because people need to learn not to talk to me.