@juliussharpe: People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. "Guys, I've been gone three years and this is cumin."
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@BoomBoomBetty: [In meeting, puts cap on pen] Me: Thanks everyone. Coworker: Oh, also I nee-- Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
@XplodingUnicorn: I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
@OneThirstyNaut: Interviewer: Where did you receive your education? Me: Yale Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate? Me: I yust got out in Yuly