@juliussharpe: People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. "Guys, I've been gone three years and this is cumin."
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@Brianhopecomedy: 100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada. 8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
@ITomHorvat: When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
@bridger_w: If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.