All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
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Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I am, perchance
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.