People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
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[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.