People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
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Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous