What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
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ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Risking my life for fun.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The answer is funnier than the question
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Nice try, NASA
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.