@Sean_Burgundy_: People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with "Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T OPEN THE FREEZER."
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@Book_Krazy: *Aquarium GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off...ma'am don't flash the octopus ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
@markedly: Things Ted Cruz and I have in common: 1. Love butter 2. Shy eyes 3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual 4. Brown hair
@david8hughes: The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don't have garden hoses.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at dinner] Wife: This is terrible. Me: Horrible. Waiter: Hey folks, how's your food? (simultaneously) Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!