Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
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A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do