@therepoguy: People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven't you heard of moving?
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@DaddyJew: Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER 6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we're all out
@TwinSurvivalist: The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
@pleatedjeans: [first date] girl: I bet you're really cute under those glasses [removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops' optic blast]