People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
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Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King