People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
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me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.