future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
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ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.