People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
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“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Strange
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I am yelling
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My dress code is business-casualty.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
When a shoelace touches your ankle
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms