People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
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I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.