People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
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Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.