@sixthformpoet: People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
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@squirrel74wkgn: I'm so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
@ScaryMommy: In marriage, there are two conversations: The one you think you're having and the one your husband hears.
@jonnysun: LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back? STENOGRAPHER: "I Did The Murder." JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed