People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
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Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”