People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
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I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.