@dreamthievin: People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what's it like to exercise?
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@HeyZeus666: The key ingredients for a successful diet : Duct tape Rope Rat poison Shovel Bag of lime Alibi What?...wait. Wrong list.
@TheRealRHB: Wife: Don't you think the yard needs to be mowed? (from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house) Me: It looks fine to me
@therealeatwood: RUSSELL: I told you that cheese wasn’t for you ME: [bitterly, mousetraps on both hands] Nothing’s ever for me, is it Russell
@RandomRamblr: She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.