People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
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“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Best mom ever 😂
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office