People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.