People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
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Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
opening twitter today
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
BRO LMFAO
Anyone really
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
lmfao come on
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕