People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
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Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.