People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
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You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES